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Scientists Discover Language Difference In Surfers

BOSTON, MA

A group of linguists at MIT have unlocked a secret world of language and gesture previously unknown to the non-surfing world. This exciting discovery has infused academics and civic leaders with the hope of finally bridging the cultural gap between landlubbers and 'kings of the sea.' The discovery was made this past March when a band of researchers were vacationing together of the Florida coast over Spring Break. After twenty minutes at the beach, the sunburned academics made rare contact with a band of surfboard riders as they emerged from the brine. The group of wave riders appeared to have no idea where the Raddison lobby bar was located, but something stranger was noticed by the scientists: the surfers were not speaking English.

After luring a specimen back to the lab with the promise of unlimited bong loads and fritos, a two year study commenced that resulted in historical findings, to be published soon in a scientific journal. Preliminary reports have been astonishing.

For example, where once it was thought the surfer was so brain dead from excessive marijuana intake, it is now known to the world that "Dudebra! I just forked the kindest nectar-tuby I have ever tasted. Insano, throwing, ultra-conage..." has been translated by the team to mean "Hello, friend! Today out in the ocean, I had an excellent time of partaking in riding on the waves!"

Other such remarkable discoveries have been revealed. "Shitneck," a once hopelessly indecipherable uttering, has been found to mean "A male or female exhibiting a mysterious substance near the collar bone, unbeknownst to the owner, possibly containing feces or something with fecal odor. "Blotto" means "An occasional derangement of the senses caused by the incidental consumption of ten or more alcoholic refreshments. Yet other words have shown to be a challenge, such as 'cool' and 'cooldude' which still perplexes the academics who suspect the descriptor might pertain to a person place or thing being better than some other person place or thing.

The study came to a halt when hurricane season started and the specimen woke up with no apparent way to distract himself when the television remote could not be located. Subsequent contact with other surfers has been limited, although one was found repeating the phrase 'blow away, dork snorkeler!' when pressed for replies to surfer words learned during the study.

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