Although some equate Hawaii with surfing, chocolate-coated macadamia nuts and pot-dealers on the Waikiki boardwalk who terrorize Midwestern sweethearts by screaming “Good time Honeymooners!” nothing defines Hawaii more than a good ol’ fashioned Elvis-style Luau. But times are changing.

“I am tired of juggling fire,” remarks Kanikapopananilulakelo Smith, a 27-year-old Oahuan native. He points to a scar running up his thigh which is as thick as a tree trunk.

“Last summer my loin cloth caught fire. It really hurt. And I couldn’t do things to Lelani for a while. Damn.”

Smith says he is thinking about going to Florida to become a cabana boy where people won't expect him to twirl voluptuous, exotic women in grass skirts. He wants more time to work on his tattoos. He is not alone. An estimated 300 oily body-builders are expected to leave the islands in the next decade. Researchers cite the ever popularity of "MTV Cribs" as the main motive behind seeking a better life on the mainland.

The LWOH (Luau Workers of Hawaii) Local 34 spokesman Marty Mixer explains it this way. “For a long time luaus have been taken for granted. People come here and think Hawaiians we run around roasting pigs, surf, and have sex with naïve mainlander teenaged tourists all day long. While that may be true, we also drive cars, wear shoes and read books. Did you know that Hawaii is part of the United States?"

Since the post "Blue Hawaii" luau craze of the early 60's, the population of oily body builders has been in steady decline, but nobody anticipated the extent of the current shortage. Reports of gender-ambiguous ballet dancers in brown makeup and fake muscle suits are commonplace. Last week, a pitcher of mai tais was knocked over into a retiree's lap when a hula dancer was thrown into the crowd. During a recent dignitary function, a Bartlett pear was found jammed into a roasted pig's mouth where one would expect a Red Delicious. The King of Hawaii bemoans the rampant luau amateurism.