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White Trash Alibi Doesn’t Float

HALF MOON BAY, CA-- A local area surfer was indicted in county court today on charges that he strapped his missing wife, Freeda Waznt, 32, to a motorized surfboard at the infamous Mavericks with a half a pound of raw roast beef tied to her waist. Jonathan Waznt, 35, has pleaded innocent to the charges. Waznt has been missing since February 24, 2005, although her “Got Milk?” t-shirt washed ashore late yesterday with a wide, suspicious looking bite taken out of it.

Waznt, described by friends as “adventurous” and “fun-loving,” was allegedly in good spirits the day of her disappearance. Friends close to the couple reported seeing the two quarrelling as of late, typically in regards to the length of time Mr. Want wished to spend away from work and in the water surfing, or shaping boards, or wrenching on his dually.

On the day of Jonathan’s arrest he was seen handing out fliers with a $50 reward for anyone that knew “who the hell is wife was sleeping with.” He maintains that he loved her dearly, even though she was a “ragging whore from the planet Psycho-Bitch!” Authorities were unable to detain the distraught Waznt, but later subdued him with the promise of an all-u-can-eat buffet at the county lockup and a Monopoly “Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free” card.

A candle-light vigil is being held at a local surf shop. The owner sent his condolences to Freeda’s family and seemed to blame himself as he lamented: “I should have never told anyone about Mavericks…” "

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