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Sex Wax Melting Near Car Tire Curiously Devoid Of Amorous Properties

NEWPORT BEACH, CA, High Noon

Local residents of a frisky California beach town were alarmed early Sunday when a bar of Sex Wax melting near a neighborhood curbway was found inexplicably shooting blanks.

According to witnesses, a small amount of the alleged traction inducer was misplaced by a 'howling tribe of salt monkeys running across my front yard'. In apparent impatience to plunge into the cool summer surf, owners of said wax inadvertently left the remainder of the bar to melt in the midday sun. Strangely, nobody could be found in the area ripping their clothes off.

Kelly Martin, a 15 year-old summer resident of this frisky beach hamlet located 40 miles south of Los Angeles, was spending her summer vacation at her parents beach side condo when she accidentally stepped into the wax slick. Although admitting it smelled 'sort of tropical' she described the blob as 'totally disgusting' and the experience subsequently prompted her to initiate a 'hurl sequence'.

When asked why she did not become aroused at the smell and sight of the Mr. Zogs product, Martin replied that 'Kevin'(alleged owner of the wax) had asked her for her phone number at last night's kegger, but when she found the matchbook cover which she wrote it on stuck in wax this morning, she was 'totally turned-off'. Martin further decried the youth as 'a total barney' and made additional pejorative comments on Kevin's surfboard length.

Sex Wax is the most commonly used wax among surfers. For decades, surfers have patronized the sweet smelling product for its longstanding claim that it is 'the best for your stick'. Although unsubstantiated, rumor has it that it is easier for surfers to attract mates by associating themselves with anything that has the word 'sex' on it. Mr. Zogs was unavailable for comment at press time.

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